I spent parts of yesterday sobbing – great big gobs of sobs. This is something I don’t remember ever doing, though I’ve done my fair share of crying. I also spent yesterday trying to figure out which of the stressors in my life was unleashing such grief. That IS what it felt like. I began with the most usual suspect. I had been to a First Friday meeting at the union for adjuncts the night before. I was nervous and a bit angry at the man I have to report to re my new job as adjunct rep on the Lehman campus. There’s a great deal of paperwork involved, which seems to me in the general area of BS work, but hey, they’re paying me. I also was feeling under-appreciated for I have taken the job seriously and have used my stronger skills to get the word out. Mainly I’ve been introducing myself through mass emails to all the departments’ adjuncts. I had to first go around to every department and get lists of adjuncts – no mean feat. This is NOT what caused my grief.
At the meeting, there was an attempt to put together a proposal to the larger union on ways to benefit adjuncts in this new waiver decision (NO MORE WAIVERS), which was a done deal before the adjunct PSCers even knew it was going down. One proposal that was tossed around was asking the union to bargain for fulltime lines for adjuncts who have served 20 years or more. After debate, it got voted on but the new proviso said “after 10 years.” Okay. Fine. I have 11 years. Great. Nothing to cry about there.
A woman at the end of the table – attractive, 60ish – was not called on – and was very upset. One of the exec committee kind people took her out to the hall and seemed to comfort her. When she came back to the table, she was allowed to speak. This is the gist:
I’ve worked for over 25 years as an adjunct. I have never been given a fulltime line – as in even a substitute line. I see myself literally dying in the classroom. I actually know people who have started dying in the classroom, because they can’t retire. Why can’t they retire? They have to keep teaching six credits to get the health insurance that adjuncts are offered. Why aren’t we acknowledged for our work and our contribution to the CUNY community? All it would take is one damn semester of a substitute line and I’d be on the city health plan ( the one that fulltimers get). I’ve given my guts to this institution, and I’m going to die in the classroom.
Okay, she said it all much better than the above. And the way she said it and something about her moved me deeply. I identified, because I’m 65 and I’ve been trying for the last 4/5 years to get a fulltime job at Lehman. I have come so close too many times, which has in turn made me very frustrated and ultimately bitter and resigned. I will no longer even try for anything. I have officially given up. I had a substitute line for 12 hours and then it was taken away. Oops. Sorry. Made a mistake. So sorry. We’ll make it up to you. Yeah, sure. Well, I was still naive and believed that they would. I applied twice for the conversion line, only to see a former student of mine get it after working the minimum number of semesters (7) in order to be called an experienced adjunct. In another instance I saw my dearest friend get a fulltime line that was never even publicized. She had been told a year before that when so-and-so retired, she had it. I kept protesting that that couldn’t be – they had to put it out there for everyone to apply. Nah. I had a job in Adult Degree for five years that I loved. It was a parttime job, but I hoped that somehow, some way when the creators of the program retired, that they would put me in as the director. I was perfect for the job. Truly. No way. They brought in a fulltime person from the art department who had done some advising. A lovely woman. However, she is going blind and cannot read the fine print. Have you ever tried to read a transcript? So I watched as the program fell apart – not her doing actually, though she took endless amounts of time with people because of her disability. At this point, I heard about a fulltime job in Irish Studies. Voila! I was hired. My troubles were over. And to boot, I’m half Irish. Hey, it helped. This job however was not a typical HEO job within CUNY. It was a program that had to fund itself through dinners, lectures, grants et al. I quit my other teaching assignments and got ready for my closeup – my finally fulltime job. And then…they lost the line. They didn’t fundraise enough money the year before to keep the HEO line. At that point I had to scramble and go begging for my teaching jobs and my Adult Degree job. Got ’em back. And Irish Studies. My plate was extra full.
Last September I was working p/t in Adult Degree, Irish STudies and teaching three courses. Uh-oh. Someone forgot to tell the new Dean of Adult Degree that she couldn’t pay me as a non-teaching adjunct, which is what she was doing. All sorts of mishigas ensued (WAIVERS. Yes, that dirty word was applied to me). I ended up with no job in Adult Degree which made me weep, but not sob. I decided to remain in Irish Studies, giving my 3rd course option to them as a non-teaching adjunct position.
Then….oh no, this is really my last attempt. I saw a posting for Academic Program Manager at Lehman – a new position – for which I was 70 percent right for. The 30 percent or more lacking was in technical expertise. I got all the way to the search committee interview which I thought went well. I was feeling especially confident because someone on that committee had told me that I was a very strong candidate. Yeah, right. Didn’t get it. I got over that one more quickly than the others, when I realized that indeed, my lack of technical skills would be a great hindrance.
So that’s it. That’s the last time I’ll apply for a fulltime job at CUNY. I tried. I really did. I’m at a crossroads. Perhaps that’s why I sob. I have to make some strong decisions. I don’t want to go on grabbing at these little jobs (like the union rep one) that come along. They come with a certain amount of self-disgust. Oh, I’m a loyal union person. I believe in unions, but I have many questions about strategy. I also find that union people can get so narrowly focussed that they don’t listen anymore. At least that’s what I’m experiencing with my two grave superiors. Is 3000 bucks with no taxes and Social Security taken out worth it to me? You see, I’ve been an actor most of my life. I’m used to saying, “I can do that” whenever there’s a job out there. Uh-oh. Here come the tears again. Perhaps that woman at the meeting is me. It turns out she’s an artist. She teaches art. I’m an actor who hasn’t acted in a long time. I enjoy teaching; I appreciate the work these past 11 years. I am … at a loss though.
I can’t figure out what exactly is lost.
